Present of Presence
Ever catch yourself scrolling to the pictures of the past? Whether that be the life of the college dorm where your best friends were a quick knock on the door (or better yet just opening it) down the hall or spending your nights after work or school going to the same place with the same group of people you’ve known since Pre-K? Days like those seem like another lifetime. Change happened. People moved away. You moved away. You might not even talk to those people you’ve known since Pre-K. Those pictures might even seem made up as you scroll through.
I always thought I was so adaptable and fearless of change. Until I finally was at rest and off of the chaotic racetrack of keeping myself into the “next big thing.” Rest for me is very, very difficult. I always thought it was dull, when in reality it was the thing I needed most to heal the parts of me I was neglecting. When at rest I entered the spiral of not knowing who I was at 25, a new place that I uprooted my life to, a new house, new people I surround myself with, new career path and even new ideas on how I see the world. Everyone saw me as the “goofy, spontaneous, outgoing one” but I wasn’t feeling that. I caught myself not even knowing how to talk to people sometimes, being less spontaneous and more rational and enjoying a night in with the dogs instead of 2 AM night outs. Don’t get me wrong though, I still love those hood rat nights.
No one teaches you about change and the lonely parts of growing up. No one teaches you how fast life truly goes. That those times of pure joy of running up to your dad after he gets off from work will fade. Or those times where you should have taken one more ice cream sandwich from your grandpa after school and now he is just a memory.
Or that you will outgrow some of the people you never thought would be strangers. Those people who won’t even be in your wedding party, let alone even at the wedding
It’s okay to grieve those friendships, those places and moments. It’s okay to smile, cry and talk about those times with others who want to listen.
What is not okay is to think that there is no beauty of today, despite all of the change and how much life looks different now. Instead of missing the person you were, discover who the person you are today. That person today has overcame so many challenges, people leaving, heartbreak and so on. It may not be easy right now but change doesn’t happen when we are comfortable. We may even have been uncomfortable back then but we don’t remember those moments. We remember the “highs” and the “lows” but never really the grey area. I’m glad that I have changed. I’m glad that you have changed. I am much more than the class clown and energetic person I was back in the day. Today I am energetic but calming. Today I am funny but serious when I need to be. Today I am educated and not even in a career where I thought I would go. Today I am empathetic but knowing when and where to set my boundaries.
I was so distracted with trying to find my “past self” that I was neglecting the awesome person I am today. Neglecting those who were my new “now.” I’m never going to be with this version of myself again. We won’t have all of the people we have today in all of our tomorrows. So, what are waiting for? Be present, rather than thinking of it as just another day. Let’s be gracious for another day with ourselves and those around us.
I want you to sit down with yourself, really sit down, and be real with yourself. What are you grateful for? Who are those people that made today great? Thank them, love them, love who you are and who you’re going to continue to grow to be.
I challenge you and myself to truly take a look around. Stop and smell the roses they say, or sunflowers :)
Find Your Present in the Presence <3