Motherhood

I’m sitting here almost three weeks postpartum with Aspen snoozing to the right of me, he so graciously gave me a break after a continuous explosive poop and feeding frenzy for the last 5 hours :) I’m going to use this time as an outlet for the intense wave of emotions and thoughts I’ve been bottling up inside.

Motherhood is something that you truly can’t explain into one word, one sentence or even one blog post really. There are moments where you are so overwhelmed with love just looking at your baby whether that is at 2PM or 2AM. There are moments where you feel in a way “homesick” of your life before because that felt comfortable and this is so new and scary. For me, I felt that instant connection with Aspen, where I didn’t want to be away from him (I think the most has been for 10 minutes when my mom kidnapped, I mean introduced him to some of her friends across the street.) I want a break but also I can’t imagine taking that break right now. I’ve felt guilt already when I need a mental health break from breastfeeding and reach for the baby bottle instead. That guilt is something that is passing as talking to mom friends. They have been genuine angels through this process. No one can tell if your baby was breastfed, bottle fed or formula fed. Simply checking in & sharing past guilt that they’ve worked through has helped tremendously.

Those who know me know how much my career means to me, how hard I worked to achieve my degrees. The sacrifices I made, especially financially to obtain them. Before I had Aspen I would confidently say “give me two weeks and I’ll be back, four weeks if I’m stretching.” Looking back, I sound like a god damn insane woman. Literally thinking about going back to work has me in tears, shit I’m getting emotional right now thinking about it. Unfortuantely I don’t have maternity leave to rely on so I know that I have to go back but I have some wiggle room because of Jesse. I’m going to speak on Jesse in a little bit, I’ve just got to stick to one topic for once lol. Going back to my career, it’s in the forensic/mental health field, I love working with the incarcerated and those who are at risk for being incarcerated. Moving to Cedar Rapids I thought I would have more options, we had a babysitter lined up to come to the house so I wasn’t limited in finding a career. At 34 weeks that changed because she got a better offer from a different family, getting that call literally put me into a panic attack. The Cedar Rapids/Marion area is priced outrageously for childcare and waitlists of up to 4 months is a reality. Thank god for my mother who used her magic wand and got Aspen a spot in Anamosa, the last one (how lucky.) That being said, I am so thankful but that limited my options career wise. Anamosa isn’t a happening place for my field but I’ve come to terms that I will do whatever, that makes sense for me, in this phase of life. My growing family means much more to me than the work title I have. I wanted to share that more so because pregnancy is scary and there are so many unknowns and surprises along the way- but you/we will make it through anything :)

I know how lucky Aspen and I are to have Jesse. I joke around with him about his useless nipples but just because he can’t give Aspen the liquid gold through his body doesn’t mean he is useless. He asks me twenty times during the day what I need (I get annoyed sometimes and I’m blaming that on my hormones okay), runs to the store in an instant if we need something, he orders things online that I didn’t even think about (bra pads so no leaky leaky), cleans all of my pump gear and bottles in the morning and night so it makes the nights a little bit easier. He does so much more than those listed but I just wanted to name a few. It’s been amazing just watching him take on this role as a dad, he’s a pretty cool one.

What I didn’t expect, well there are MANY things, but one that has been affecting me the most currently is my irritability and anxiety. I’ve been given the knowledge just how much women’s hormones deplete after having a baby. We aren’t really “taught” how to manage them, why am I getting irritated over the simplest things? When people are just trying to help. I have narrowed it down, especially after talking with Jesse that I feel like I need to do EVERYTHING and if I don’t and ask for help then I’m a bad mom. I get anxious out in public and that is SO not like me as I love being around people and the thought of being stuck inside pre-baby felt like hell. Jeez, we named our kid after our love for the outdoors and know I have to hype myself up to even go for a walk with him alone? One thing I am currently working on is to ask for help, that being “productive” looks different now and my body needs to RECOVER. My value isn’t determined by how many things I can check off my to-do list. My only job right now is to keep this baby alive through snuggles, diaper changes and feedings. Well more than that but those are the most important I’d say :) If I fold laundry for the day (and believe me that thing is going nonstop nowadays) then wahoo! If I write a few thank you’s for the day from his baby shower/people sending gifts than wahoo! If I am able to sweep & mop than wahoo! Everything can wait right now. I hope whoever is reading this and is currently or has experienced any of these thoughts during motherhood, or at any point of your child’s life, that you are feeling heard.

Motherhood was something that I didn’t think I wanted or even thought I could have. What is funny is that on our second day home with Aspen I told Jesse through tears that being a mom is something that I love and want more kids damn it. His face was shear panic, I think he thought I meant right at that moment (haha no no). Anyways, it has been the most incredible experience but the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It has made me appreciate moms and women in general so much more. I want to hug every gosh dang woman as I pass them on the street and tell them that they are kicking ass- maybe I should. They might try to throw me in the loony bin but as moms/women we need to be told that! The people who have reached out have been those who have been there since day one and some who I have only known as acquaintances and have quickly become part of my support system. I love this “group” that I have become part of.

Lastly, I wanted to give a shout out to my own mom. We have always had a close relationship, it’s gotten much closer as I’ve gotten older but the way that I see her has changed. She has gone through so much, somethings that she still holds to herself because of the pain but she never let that dull her love of being a mom and being there for us. Her sacrfices that she has made and continues doing have become even more clear to me now as a mom. I am very lucky that she let me be who I wanted to be. She was at every dance recital, school event and if I needed to call her no matter where I was at or how late she answered. I went on trips alone- a whole entire continent by myself knowing no one and she/my dad let me spread my wings although I knew it terrified them. They trusted me even though they couldn’t trust others intentions. She/they let me fall but were always there to pick up the pieces and let me flourish in my confidence. I love you both <3

My body looks different now, there’s cellulite and stretch marks that are new to my eyes but I have never been more proud of my body. My heart looks different now, it’s always been big but it has opened up in a way I never thought I’d imagined. My sight looks different now, I view the world a little brighter even with tired eyes. A lot of things look and feel different now and it will take some time to learn these changes but I’m ready for this new season of my life.

Find Your Yellow, Mamas <3