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It’s been a hot minute since I’ve typed “Squarespace login” into my search engine. I could use the excuse of life got crazy but in reality I neglected this part of who I am for way too long. Since my last post there have been many highs pieced with many lows. There’s been loved ones lost & new life forming. I’m not sure where this post will take me and that is why I started this with a blank title.

Let’s go back to Phoenix 2021, an OB/GYN diagnosed me with Endometriosis, a disease where “tissue grows outside the uterus where it doesn’t belong.” Basically, there are so many levels of this disease and it can affect the way you breath for some, hormones, nerve damage and so much more. I’ve gone to pelvic floor physical therapy, been off birth control for years, cut out gluten and dairy for periods of time, basically anything that I thought could help. It’s a silenced disease where back in the day and unfortunately today it is just masked as “having really bad periods.” Anyways, this wasn’t a sob story I just wanted to give some background. With this diagnoses I was told that it would be difficult for me to have kids on my own, if I even were able to. Now, I have always wanted to adopt but hearing those words as a woman no matter what life plan I had for myself made me feel like I failed. I am more than a vessel for new life but hearing from professionals that I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids on my own was… hard.

I was in a very new relationship at this time (cough Jesse cough). Although early, I knew it needed to be shared. I remember this conversation happened at Postino’s over wine and bruschetta (lol). Little did I know that it wasn’t a deal breaker for him, he talked about traveling and the possibility of being okay with not even having kids. We talked about adoption and other options. Such an adult conversation for not even dating for a couple months :) Although this conversation happened beautifully, it didn’t totally erase the feeling of failure I etched into my identity.

Let’s fast forward to Jesse and I moving to Wisconsin October 2022. We moved for various reasons but honestly I think it’s because we embrace the nomadic lifestyle, moving doesn’t scare us whether that be by ourselves or now with a partner. Let me point out that we had only been dating a year at this point but had gone through so much life in those 365 days. We went to Hawaii, many camping trips to Moab, visited National Parks, adopted Honey our anxious but adventurous furry daughter, lost friendships and Jesse lost a dear friend on a hiking trip in Colorado. I know more happened but pregnancy brain is real. I found an OB/GYN in Wisconsin that I loved and on July 6th (remember this date) we discussed the possibility of freezing my eggs, IVF and further discussion on adoption for the future. Now, what we didn’t realize was that life was going to throw us more loops.

Jesse’s brother Jens was diagnosed with cancer. Jesse tries to see the best in things but I could see the pain he carried day to day after getting off the phone with his parents, Jens, sister-in-law, etc. after asking how Jens was doing. Being in Wisconsin while his brother was sick 12+ hours away in Denver was heartbreaking. In July 2023 we celebrated Jens 37th birthday in Indiana with family, a celebration that was beautiful yet scary as no one knew how much time Jens had left. On August 29th, 2023 Jens passed away in the presence of family members. You could feel how much love others had for Jens and how much he loved others. He looked over his little brother without Jesse realizing the magnitude I think, Jens was so proud of Jesse and vice versa. Jens and Katie gave others the title of grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt and many more. Titles that are gifts that will live on despite Jens not being here on Earth anymore.

Jesse and I arrived back in Wisconsin after the funeral September 8th. I am specific with these dates for a reason I promise. We go to a concert September 9th to find some normalcy in life but in reality we needed some distraction. On September 11th after work I remember getting this feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test, I had absolutely no symptoms except feeling tired but I diagnosed the fatigue from recent life events. Taking a pregnancy test, or even having them in your home when you are told that you won’t be able to have kids naturally is some kind of sick joke I played with myself I think- maybe it was me not losing hope either though. Anyways, I took the test and then took another because it said positive.

Poor Jesse did NOT get a beautiful announcement. More so it was like an unstable kool aid man busted through the bathroom while he was taking a shower. It was such a mix of emotions and we truly didn’t know how to react because life had been so unpredictable in 2023 for us. We had literally just gotten back from his brother’s funeral. I go into my OB/GYN and we find out that I was 5 weeks pregnant when we found out which was a little after Jen’s birthday that baby was conceived. It was like he gave us, us as in everyone in our lives, this gift before he passed. Jesse and I both agree that this baby boy will come into our lives soon because of his Uncle. I believe there is no other reason for it- my OB/GYN in Wisconsin was just as shocked as we were when we came in with that positive test :)

I had to take a break writing because I couldn’t see what I was typing because of the damn rainstorm that happens when I talk about Jens and the story of how we became pregnant. I tell strangers all the way up to my very best friends this story because it is a story that I hope brings others encouragement in times of heartache and that there is still beauty when things appear to be ugly. Those who have left us Earth side will never be forgotten as long as we don’t let them be. Aspen Christian Jensen will know his Uncle even without every meeting him physically. Talk about those who have passed, no matter how hard it is. We owe it to them as their presence can still live in other ways.

Aspen is a name that Jesse and I both love. We both love the outdoors, beauty of nature and it’s recognition for Colorado. Colorado is where Jesse is from. We share this name publicly not for others approval, but because it was our choice. I say this nicely, please do not ever tell a mom, especially a pregnant one, that she will regret naming her child this or any negative input.

Christian is in remembrance of Jens, who they will be sharing a middle name :)

This post could have been shorter, this post could’ve been longer. The point of this post was to share what the last couple of years have been like and to hopefully give those who may have experienced similar situations hope or that they aren’t alone. We moved back to Iowa, I never thought I would move back here but it is a decision that I do not regret. What we have learned is the importance of family, connections and love. We do not know how long we have on this Earth- so let’s be kind to others & ourselves. Love hard & live unapologetically everyone.

Find Your Yellow <3