To All The Boys (I Thought) I Loved Before

To all the boys I thought I loved before,

Thank you.

Thank you for being part of my life, no matter how or why we parted ways. That experience shaped me into the woman I am, the memories I hold and the values I believe in today.

You taught me how to care for someone so fiercely that it scares me. Your family-oriented self shined it’s light on how I could better my own relationship with my family. I learned how love can be shown in different ways rather than just three words. You taught me how to take chances. You taught me that there is good.

What I also learned was what love did not look like. Love is not isolating another from their loved ones and dulling their passions. Love is not intentionally causing one to be fearful of choosing the next words to say. Love is not a game and I am not a piece in your checkers game. I know now that being loved does not require permission to live how I want to live my life.

With these experiences I learned that I did not have to exaggerate things about myself to be interesting to someone. I learned how to actively listen rather than hearing what I thought or wanted to. I found out that being a fixer only disables me.

I wish I could hug the girl who cried herself to sleep and wrote a letter to a guy who didn’t respect her enough to tell her it was over. I want to tell the teenage girl who was scared for her life that staying will cause nightmares for years. I want to show the girl that kindness is more attractive than popularity status and how big their muscles may be. I once wanted to take away all of that pain from the girl whose heart was too big and trusting for those to mistreat it. Now, all I want to do is be grateful as that pain taught me compassion, self-worth and knowing who the f*ck to stay away from (lol).

When I think about the past I don’t think of my past relationships as failures, even though at the time I couldn’t see past the goodbye. I am at a place now where I can reflect and negative thoughts aren’t tied to those memories. Those experiences brought me here at this exact spot, in a coffee shop in Phoenix, AZ. A place where I am co-parenting a rescue dog named Honey with someone who reminds me everyday of my strength, beauty and drive. Someone who respects the shit out of me. Someone who is willing to share the most vulnerable parts of themselves and is willing to have the hard conversations. My adventure buddy.

Love is patient. Love is kind.

Find That Kind, Yellow Love <3