Living in a society where we feel like we have to apologize for other’s actions

Being kind to every single person we meet should be the person we should strive to be, right? Being that person who can find a way to connect with others outside of your own culture, socioeconomic status, skin color, religion, breakfast type or whatever the hell we can classify ourselves differently as. Why then, do we have to apologize for others actions because it is what us “kind” people feel like we have to do?

I wrote my closing paper during my undergrad about hyper masculinity in cis-gender collegiate men and sexual aggression towards women. I wanted to disclose that I wrote it not to point fingers at men and call them all pigs, I wrote it from a male’s and female’s perspective on this issue. The following is the introduction of my paper that can best describe the man’s perspective on the reasoning for hyper masculinity/sexual aggression. “There are many societal definitions on what it is to be considered a “man.” In American society we try to conform boys and men to a certain definition of what it is to be a man from the moment they are born and that continues throughout their life. To fulfill the inflexible expectations, traits and behaviors of the “man box,” the highest and/or dominant form of true masculinity, the XY chromosome has the pressure that they need to ensure they are fitting the definition of masculinity that emphasizes toughness, stoicism, acquisitiveness and self-reliance (Clay, 2012). These stressful, harmful expectations can lead to an aggressive, emotionally undeveloped man which causes suffering to not only themselves, but children they may have, their romantic partners and even the community they live in.”

I then went on to explain how in return, females and/or other males get the brunt of these consequences of the man box when the stress is constantly on to perform as a male in American society. Some of those examples are; having uncomfortable/sexual comments made, excessive sexual advances, stone blocking (a way of conflict fighting where a silent treatment is the solution during an argument which allows vulnerable emotions to be silenced from the male), rape and so much more.

Okay enough of those big words and college paper talk. What I’m trying to get across is I AM NOT ACCUSING ALL MEN OF BEING HORRENDOUS BOARS. I’m also not giving them an excuse for their actions. Also, women can be sexually aggressive as well I’m not calling all us women Angels…. but there’s a huge gap in how many times women fall victim to workplace harassment, rapes, sexual aggression, so on.

In relation to that, when these unwanted advancements happen… why is the person who didn’t make the comments/actions being questioned first? Questions such as… “well did you give them any indication that you wanted more?” “what were you wearing?” “did you joke around maybe a bit too much?” “did you have a previous relationship?” Or even the person simply having a guilty conscious themselves and question their character.

Let me tell you some personal stories where unwanted advancements/words happened to me. Not to gain sympathy but to shed light on this issue.

My Senior year in high school: I remember this day like it was literally yesterday. A teacher emailed me telling me how pretty I was going to look at prom as he was going to be chaperoning it. I was in Spanish 3, my last class of the day when I read this e-mail. Frozen was what I felt, my best friend at the time saw my expression and asked what was wrong. My teacher and I had a close connection so after class I stayed behind and showed her the email. She was disturbed and sent me to the principals office to tell the principal the situation. What I’m about to say is true. The principal was silent at first and then looked at me and said “Well, this is what happens when you’re pretty.” The teacher was talked to, supposedly but the next day I was taken out of my advisory class and my whole Senior schedule was switched around. Nothing happened to him. I was the one who felt like the problem, that I did something wrong. During this time, I coincidently was healing from an abusive relationship where I felt anything BUT pretty. In that principal’s defense, I bet they thought they were helping me by giving me a compliment. There needs to be more training on how to handle these type of situations throughout the school system. That principal didn’t know that they aided in my self-esteem issues where looking in the mirror made me feel disgusting. That compliments were something that I struggled with.. (I’ve gotten a hell of a lot better) because a compliment was laced with guilt from me.

Sexual assault case freshman year: I am not going to go into detail about this again, not because I don’t want to but because I’ve already written about this previously and the whole story is on another blog :) BUT being questioned about what my roommate and I were wearing, if we were maybe giving off hints of wanting something sexually more (I don’t know if we did, we were f*cking roofied), if we were sure this happened, if we wanted to continue with the trial, etc. Going through a sexual assault case is brutal, I’m not going to lie. No matter how you are involved. The thing that floored me was the statement I got that “boys will be boys.” What the shit. This isn’t a new saying, but it’s a disgusting one. I’M NOT OKAY WITH THIS. I’m not going to sit back and just be okay with this part of society that hushes the victim and validates the perpetrator for what they did because they have a penis.

My waitressing job Sophomore year: I quit a job because the owner of the restaurant and the dishwasher was making me uncomfortable. Do you see how wrong that statement is? People in power feel empowered to do whatever they want and get away with it. Who is going to tell on the boss? Who is going to side with a waitress over the owner of a business? I spoke up to my boss about one of the dishwashers asking me out on a date (this man was 60) and giving me unwanted, aggressive comments about my appearance. Do you want to know what happened? Nothing. Then the boss started leaving his hand a little bit longer on my back when he passed. After talking to other co-workers about what was happening at work, I felt validated that I wasn’t going crazy or that I was thinking too much into what was being said/done to me.. because the same was happening to them. The day I quit the girl bartender also did. For the same reason. I had no idea.

My two 2020 waitressing jobs: I was working another job in addition to these to earn some extra cash. One instance I was told by the band that played every Wednesday night that “I’m lucky that he isn’t 30 years younger or else I would be in trouble.” That same week I was told by a customer that he was appreciating my front but wanted my permission to appreciate the backside. Gross.

Working in healthcare currently: I have a total of 5 instances that I can recall where unwanted/very unnecessary comments have been made to me. Just yesterday I was asked if someone could impregnate me and when I declined I was called stuck up, even though we were joking around 30 seconds before then. There were a couple of other instances where sexually jokes were made at me.

I don’t want to come across that I don’t like to laugh, and quite frankly I shouldn’t even have to explain myself right now but I’m going to. If you knew me personally, you wouldn’t ever consider me as a person who can’t take a joke or have a sense of humor. Shit, I was class clown in the good ol’ high school days. What I hate most about these comments is that it makes others feel so powerful and talk down to others. It’s honestly dehumanizing. I, nor is anyone a piece of meat (okay technically you can argue this but you know what I mean).

Respect me. Respect females. Respect your neighbor. Respect males. Respect every single person you come across. Respect them so you never have to make them question who they are. Respect others so you can build them up instead of make them feel guilty for how YOU see them.

Let’s normalize sticking up for yourself and calling someone out when they are making you uncomfortable. This will allow others feel more confident in themselves that THEY have the right to what is said about their body.

Make me laugh. Make others laugh. All I ask and all I emphasize is that you do so while removing sex as the focal point of the joke. I PROMISE you that a person will appreciate a compliment based on their heart, intelligence and accomplishments much more than their appearance.

Voice Your Yellow <3