Find Your Yellow
Why does this girl keep telling us to find a damn color? She really is off her rocker, the pandemic really got to her. Why yes, I am constantly on the struggle bus and finding myself in situations where I do contemplate my life choices, I am more than okay. Yellow. A color. A color that is usually correlated with the sun, happiness, lemons or #1 in the bathroom. It could have numerous meanings or symbols for everyone. Someone could truly despise the color yellow and hate to even wear it. I’m not preaching to change your wardrobe and to only wear yellow or that you will feel content if you buy the yellow toothbrush instead of the blue one. Yellow is my metaphor for genuine happiness, self-care and doing things that make YOU feel good. That could look like a totally different picture from someone sitting next to you or your best friend. Finding your yellow is a more fun thing to say rather than the cliche terms of “live your own life” or “you can only be happy when you are happy with yourself.” Why yes, those phrases hold so much truth, I needed to find a mantra that I truly connected with and didn’t see plastered all over Target and Hobby Lobby’s decor…...which you can find in my bedroom.
Embrace Your Yellow
I am a true empath. An empath is a beautiful and at times, troublesome phenomenon. There are chemicals in my brain that are different from other non-empath people. I care so deeply, I can physically feel and embrace other people's emotions, I crave being that support for people and with that comes the welcoming of manipulation and toxic people. My therapist, yes I go to therapy how dare I, brought this up this week and I became overwhelmed with this notion that I WASN’T crazy. When reading the short description of an empath one can assume that being an empath is nothing more than being a selfless person. Yes, that is true but with that comes the exhaustion of consuming everyone’s energy and the self neglection of my own boundaries and thoughts and feelings.
How do I fix this? Well ladies and gents, you are witnessing one of my self-care routines. I write in my own time, my phone notes are filled with poems (I’m no Emily Dickinson) or I even use social media as a personal diary. My fans (I’m just kidding) can agree with this as they are constantly getting blasted with my infamous story-telling on snapchat, twitter, etc. So, telling my story and feelings is something that I struggle with, the doubts that are locked in my brain that I am not worthy of being heard or that I am a bother are there clear as day. Oh man but the payoff of me feeling GOOD with myself is so so much more rewarding. So… I will continue to tell my story and blast my thoughts and feelings when and where I can. Please delete me if you so choose.
Another thing I am doing to embrace my yellow is saying no to things I don’t want to do. You are your own main character in your life. Why should I do something that I know wouldn’t benefit me in any way but in reality put me in harms way whether that be physically, emotionally or mentally? This is hard. I’m still gripping this idea and have no way perfected it. You have to kind of take a step back and ponder the idea at hand. Would they do the same for me? Is this worth spending my precious energy on or is there something else that is more rewarding and powerful to accomplish or assist with?
I am a goofy, sensitive, overthinking, kind, friendly, anxious, energetic, strong woman. I am aware of the toxic traits I hold and the relationships, friendships and life events that could’ve been saved or made better if I was more aware of myself and the things I was at fault for rather than being defensive and holding the blame on someone or something rather than myself. Being aware of your strengths and weaknesses is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself.
There are people in my life that know a good chunk of my life chapters and there are others who know a few chapters and then fill in the rest of the book with assumptions. This is okay. I am an openbook when it comes to the trauma and challenges I’ve faced. Yes, I was in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship in high school, which was my first love and paved my mindset on what I thought love was like and eventually ended in an introduction to the court system and restraining orders at a young age. Yes, I was pursued by a high school teacher, had evidence and was then told by the principal that this happened because “it sucks to be pretty, doesn’t it?” Yes, my best friend and I were betrayed by someone I grew up with by taking advantage of two drunk, drugged Freshman college girls which then ended up in rape that didn’t end up being brought to justice until 3 ½ years later. Yes, not a lot of people know the other parts of my life that I didn’t include but hot diggity do people know how to make it a hushed conversation or excuse the horrible behavior from others by disregarding what happened or choosing to step away or use defensive/negligent attitudes. My point wasn’t to gain sympathy, my point was that YES these things happened and YES I am going to embrace and own this as I wouldn’t be who I am today without these experiences.
Embrace who you are. That means knowing what’s in the past and overcoming those struggles. March forward, there will still be hardships but it’s all about how your attitude is and what you do with the situation at hand.
Live Your Yellow
Live your damn yellow baby. You want to get out and experience the world but are constantly told that you need to stop manifesting the idea and to think practically instead? Heck no honey. Why yes, you probably need to save some money up and stay low for some time but DON’T GET STUCK BEING COMFORTABLE. You get one beautiful, crazy, hard life. You don’t want to be comfortable living your life, you want to LIVE your life and love every single part of who you are and what you stand for. You want to take 10 different selfies and post them on every platform of social media? Do it. You want to quit your office job and start a food truck instead? Do it. You want to dance in the middle of a casino because you hate the slot machines but the music is BUMPING?! Do it. You’re going to love you the more you are by being you but you’re also going to get more shit from others the more and more you are and you know why? It’s because you are living outside the norm and that makes people uncomfortable AND jealous. The people we remember most are the people who are anything but ordinary. So, find what makes you happy. Find what makes you, YOU. Find what makes you angry, sad, toxic. Find what makes you truly live and not go through the motions everyday. Once you find that, embrace the fuck out of it. Embrace every single part of you because your presence matters and makes the world better by being in it. Once you embrace it, live your yellow.
