You are magic, darling
Yellow there :)
Do you ever feel stuck in the “mistakes” or incidents that happened in the past? Are you blaming yourself for things that weren’t even within your control? You will not break through that dark cloud of shame if you don’t be kind to yourself. Recognize the fault you may have had… but also be aware that horrible things just happen and trying to recreate the past in your head with the “what ifs” just causes you more harm than good. Yes, there always could have been a better outcome but you did what you thought was best with the knowledge and skills you had at that moment. It prepares you for the future. It builds resilience with every obstacle that comes your way once you recognize it.
Holding shame rather than guilt is tougher to get past in my opinion. With guilt, you have that motivation to want and do better next time. You want change. With shame, you are so stuck in your actions that you can’t see past the situation. Holding shame after signing those divorce papers for a marriage that you thought would last may carry into your next relationship. We make mistakes. That is the awesome thing about being human, right? Holding on to those shameful moments/actions may cause you to completely avoid that situation or person, you just bury it. It may feel helpful in the moment but it will come back and keep coming back if you don’t face that adversity right in the face. Own that mistake. Make that adversity your biotch. You do not have to reconcile with that person and be their best bud for the wrongs they did, but forgive them to benefit you. You don’t even have to say the words “I forgive you.” Simply not putting that ugly energy into something anymore will be a relief to yourself.
Be kind to your own human error. Let it be okay for yourself to hit rock bottom. Allow yourself to learn from the trials and errors of your decisions. None of us have that magic globe that shows us what our future holds, how would we know how to get through life if it was all planned out for us? How would life be if we relied on how we were supposed to feel because that is what we were told?
You hold the magic wand
Y’all I punished myself for things that I was not prepared for or taught. How would I of known how to handle a sexual assault? Were we supposed to learn about this in 2nd grade? How would we know how to handle a cancer diagnosis? We missed that question on our biology exam, didn't we? How would we have known how to take life by the horns when the love of our life passed away before they walked their daughter down the aisle? That was not a question on the ACT. How we were supposed to know about a global pandemic that cancelled graduations, weddings, jobs, etc. I’m pretty sure I was absent that day in history class.
Let’s stop blaming ourselves for life’s curveballs. More like life’s 90 mph line drives to the stomach. You are doing the best you can. You are handling life the best way you know how. Asking for help when you are lost is not a sign of weakness at all. Asking for help is being aware that you want to conquer whatever you are going through. You are willing to climb that wall. There was not just one person who saved the survivors from the burning twin towers. There was not just one person who created the memorial for the two souls lost at the Anamosa Prison, there were HUNDREDS of people who came together.
You are magic. You are a fighter. You will fall. You will get up.
Find your yellow <3