An Apology To Myself

Well, well, well…look who it is! It’s the beautiful, powerhouse, loving person that I know. That person is me. That person is you.

I want to apologize to myself. I want you to apologize to yourself. Here are a few reasons why.

I’m sorry for the times when I looked in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I picked apart everything that I thought was absent when I didn’t embrace what was present. I wished for things I saw on social media, my friends and strangers and was in constant comparison. Not once did I look in that mirror and see the parts of me that reflected the people I love most. I disregarded my mom’s ageless cheekbones and my dad’s infectious smile that I was given. My ability to empathize and care for others that I got from both my grandmother’s was seen as a weakness rather than something I should have celebrated. I threw away the weight and elegance of my heart because of superficial blemishes only I noticed. The skin that protected me from the outside world was a mere reminder that it might be a bit too loose. That skin holds a lot of stories that only me can truly embrace the tough but safe exterior.

I’m sorry that I punished myself for not being at the finish line of life and missing out on the importance of the run. My accomplishments were pushed aside due to the fear of being behind someone else’s story that wasn’t mine. Not once did I praise myself for the bravery I hold that made it possible for all of the things I have done that I didn’t back down from- like moving to a third world country by myself or moving to a state and risking financial security. I’m sorry that I hold on to the trauma of my past experiences that made me believe I was not worthy of being loved because of someone else’s insecurities. I’m sorry that I seeked validation from men rather than seeking it from the only person that mattered, myself.

I’m sorry for silencing my voice when I wanted it to be heard. For all of those times when I didn’t let myself be the outgoing, goofy gal.. I’m sorry. I promise to never self sabotage an opportunity or dream because of the fear of rejection or failing. There’s no such thing as failing. I’m sorry that I saw rejection as a sign to give up rather than something that I took a chance on and it simply didn’t work out this time. It very well could’ve put me on the path I was more inclined to take.

I’m sorry for not listening to my body when it was sending signals that it was hurting. For those times when I felt like I was drifting in an empty abyss, I yelled at myself for not having a god damn cheery day. I should’ve taken care of myself as I was running on E. I’m sorry that I selfishly wanted to leave this Earth seven years ago. For those times when I pushed my body to eat things that made me sick because I didn’t want to be seen as picky, the late night sick sessions were never worth it. For those times when I valued my self-worth on a number rather than who I am as a person, I’m sorry. I am much more than a scale that doesn’t take into account muscle, bloating and celebrations. I’ve never felt more free as I’m unaware on how much I weigh and I workout because I want to not because it’s a chore.

I’m sorry that I succumbed to the pressure of the outside world. That I put myself in positions and situations that I didn’t want to be in and lowered what I valued in order to “fit in.” For those times when I gave my all to friendships who were soul suckers* and had me in their life on their own time. Those people who glamorized your relationship on social media to paint themselves as being a good friend/significant other/family member, don’t fall for that again. I apologize for those who I didn’t spend enough time and energy on and now we are complete strangers, you know who you are.

I’m sorry that I despised the parts of me that made me, me. I can be hella bashful. I can be the life of the party when I want. I am the person who seeks out a stranger in the crowd to have a deep conversation with. I value seeing the world. I don’t value material or brandname things, and that is okay. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, and that is okay.

Our experiences shape us to the people we are and that is ever-changing. We are constantly learning and exploring parts of ourselves and at times it may feel like we are lost with what to do but don’t get discouraged. It takes time to learn something new and you are simply reflecting on what to do with this new information, whether that be subconsciously or consciously.

I’m sorry that I ever wished I was someone else.

Find Your Yellow Self <3

*soul sucker: someone whose constant negativity and complaining of life literally sucks the life out of you. Coined by Sabrina Roberts, my fabulous roommate :)