The Practice of Loving

I believe that as humans, we were born to love. We were born to love through not just a symbol of unity with a ring but through music, words of affirmation, our presence, loyalty, writing, our passions, acts of service, etc. Most importantly though, we were born to learn how to love and embrace who we are within. The Buddha said this: “Your love for the other, your ability to love another person, depends on your ability to love yourself.”

Even though we were born with the tools and desire to love, it takes practice and work to love properly. We may truly love someone and believe that simply loving them is enough, but is it kind? Maitri is one of the elements from Buddhism that can be simplified to loving-kindness. It’s defined as the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person(s) we love without the factor of making them suffer because of it. How can one suffer when our intentions are genuine? Isn’t being loved one of the warmest feelings? Yes, but if we are ignorant to the thought of wanting to understand their sufferings, aspirations and insecurities then it may cause harm that you didn’t intend to happen. How does one learn how to understand another? Being presently there & mindful of them is astronomically helpful. I’m not just talking about coming over to their house when they are upset about someone passing or when they’re over the moon when they pass the test they studied so hard for but are swiping through TikTok or thinking about the presentation you have for work yourself the next day. Be everything that you can be for them in that moment. Your physical body is the bare minimum of being present, give them the gift of your mental and emotional presence as well. This takes practice. In the beginning stages of learning how to be truly present try setting your phone upside down in the room or even set it in the next room. If you are meeting up with them, practice deep breathing. In the car, breath in and when you breath out, either think to yourself or say out loud “I am here for you.” Simply clearing and allowing yourself to reboot your mind will do wonders, I promise :) There is nothing we have but the present, there is no use of dwelling on the past or worries of the future. It will just cause unwanted anxiety & you take the risk of missing out this amazing but short life. There are no play backs or pauses.

Another thing that aids in understanding is observation. Notice the things that may be triggers or things that puts them at ease. Don’t just scratch the surface & coast by, look deep and the efforts of you doing so will help them but help you as well. Once you start utilizing observation in your intimate relationships, you’ll soon realize you expand that skill to other relationships and even strangers you meet. People will notice this change in you and be drawn to this caring energy you now possess or have grown stronger in.

Ask yourself, do I have enough time to love them? Reflect on the time you have and start integrating love in your daily actions. For example, you may be “eating breakfast” with the person you love but are you actually there? Do you even look at them? Are you even giving their presence a thought from across the table or even right next to the other? Are you thinking about how lucky you are to be in that moment with them? Even if you aren’t speaking, are you showing them with your non-verbals that you value or want them to be there with you? You aren’t clocked in at work yet, so why are you starting your job right when you wake up. Don’t give that power to your 9-5 and sabotage a morning with your wife/husband/roommate/brother/child? It could be ten minutes at that breakfast table that you have, but what if those ten minutes are the best moments of your day? Or better yet, of their day? Wouldn’t that be worth the try? It takes practice, we busy ourselves with things that don’t value us as much as we subconsciously value them (a job that could easily replace you, sorry). At the end of the day, being present to things that bring importance in our life is undeniably more beneficial and worth the work you put in.

To bring back the topic of the ability to love another you must love yourself, this is one of hardest things to accomplish. If you can’t value yourself, how could you properly value someone else and expect them to value you back? What a “wild” concept right? I’ve heard it in conversation and even believed it myself, that I know I will love someone harder because I have more love to give as I will give the love I don’t have for myself to them. It doesn’t work out like that. You are capable of this great love for you, it’s already within you. You don’t need to “find” it like it’s a new thing, it’s better to say that you need to believe and cherish it.

I have an appreciation and deep respect for Buddhism. It makes the most sense to me. I’m disclosing this not because I am Buddhist but would love to share books I love that follow this <3

Find Your Yellow <3